Windsor Counselling Services

Lindsay Laing, MA, RSW, RP, ICCAC, TITC-CT

Perfectionism: The Silent Saboteur of Presence, Energy, and Self-Worth

Perfectionism often disguises itself as ambition, responsibility, or high standards. It whispers that if we just work a little harder, do a little better, and avoid one more mistake, then we will finally feel good enough. But for many people, perfectionism becomes less of a motivator and more of a trap, one that drains energy, fuels self-criticism, and quietly steals the joy out of everyday life.

As a psychotherapist, I see perfectionism not as a personality trait, but as a protective strategy. It’s something the nervous system learns in order to feel safe, accepted, or in control. Yet over time, that strategy can turn into a demanding internal dictator that affects nearly every corner of a person’s life.

Below are some of the many ways perfectionism shows up and how it shapes a person’s emotional world, relationships, and overall wellbeing.

1. A Constant Sense of “Not Good Enough”

Perfectionism often creates an internal measuring stick that’s impossible to reach. Achievements don’t feel like accomplishments; they feel like temporary proof you haven’t failed yet.
People often describe:

Feeling “behind” even on good days

Minimizing successes (“Anyone could have done that”)

Setting impossibly high expectations and then feeling ashamed when they can’t meet them

Comparing themselves to others and always coming up short

Instead of producing confidence, perfectionism creates an ongoing sense of inadequacy, as if worthiness must always be earned.

2. The Inner Critic Becomes the Loudest Voice in the Room

Most perfectionists carry an internal critic that sounds like a relentless coach—or a bully.
This voice:

Judges every move

Replays mistakes

Predicts failure

Questions decisions

Shames you for resting or slowing down

This chronic self-criticism doesn’t build resilience. It erodes self-trust and leaves people feeling anxious, guarded, or emotionally raw.

3. Living in the Future Instead of the Present

Perfectionism is obsessed with “what if.”

What if I get it wrong?

What if I embarrass myself?

What if someone sees a flaw?

This future-based anxiety pulls people out of the present moment. Instead of enjoying time with family, a walk outside, or a moment of rest, perfectionists are already anticipating the next task or preparing for the next potential misstep.

This creates a life that is full on the calendar but emotionally empty, because presence is replaced with pressure.

4. It Drains Emotional and Physical Energy

Trying to be perfect is exhausting.
The constant monitoring, rehearsing, overthinking, and self-policing uses enormous mental bandwidth.

This often leads to:

Chronic fatigue

Decision paralysis

Burnout

Insomnia

Tension headaches or muscle tightness

A nervous system in a permanent “on” mode

Perfectionism isn't just a mindset, it’s a physiological load and an energy drain.

5.  Perfectionism is paralysis

Many people assume perfectionism pushes people to work harder, but often the opposite happens: perfectionism freezes you.

You don’t start projects unless you’re sure you can succeed

You procrastinate out of fear of doing it "wrong"

You over-research and under-act

You replay ideas in your mind instead of bringing them to life

Perfectionism kills creativity, spontaneity, and healthy risk-taking.

6. The “Invisible Losses” No One Talks About

Here are some lesser-known, more unique ways perfectionism affects life.

You become unrecognizable to yourself.

Perfectionism can create a version of you that looks good on paper but feels disconnected from who you actually are.

You miss joy because you’re busy “evaluating” it.

Instead of simply enjoying an experience, you’re grading it, analyzing it, or wondering if you’re doing it “right.”

Rest doesn’t feel restful.

Even when sitting still, the mind is working—planning, reviewing, optimizing.

You shrink your life to avoid imperfection.

People stop trying new things, avoid hobbies, or say no to opportunities because they might not excel.

You lose the ability to be seen authentically.

Perfectionism builds a polished mask that becomes harder and harder to take off. Relationships stay on the surface because vulnerability feels like a risk.

You become emotionally “tired but wired.”

That state of being exhausted yet unable to slow down is one of perfectionism’s trademarks.

You forget that you’re a human being, not a performance.

7. How Perfectionism Steals Life Satisfaction

Because perfectionism ties worth to achievement, satisfaction is always just out of reach.

There’s always something else to fix

Something else to improve

Something else to strive for

This constant striving prevents people from feeling contentment—even when their life looks objectively good.

That’s the quiet tragedy of perfectionism: it makes success feel hollow and peace feel undeserved.

8. Healing Perfectionism

Healing perfectionism isn’t about lowering standards. It’s about loosening the grip of fear and self-judgment.

It often involves:

Building self-compassion

Relearning how to rest without guilt

Allowing yourself to be imperfect in small, safe ways

Challenging the belief that your worth is conditional

Reconnecting with authenticity rather than performance

With support, many people discover that they are far more resilient, creative, and alive than perfectionism ever allowed them to be.

A More Present, Easeful Way of Living Is Possible

Perfectionism is powerful, but it’s not permanent. With awareness and gentle psychological work, people can reclaim spontaneity, connection, pleasure, and self-acceptance.

The goal isn’t to become careless, it’s to become whole.
To live in the present moment instead of chasing impossible standards.
To trust yourself instead of policing yourself.
To experience satisfaction instead of chronic striving.

You don’t have to earn your worth.
You don’t have to perform your life.
You’re allowed to simply be human, flawed, growing, and deeply enough.